“Got time for that;” the truth about raising kids.

It's 'Family Day' in most Canadian provinces. I sort of want to laugh. The first province to make it a statutory holiday was Alberta, back in 1990. Premier Getty said it was important for all Albertans to take time for their families and this holiday would emphasize the importance of family values. And 'family values.' What does that even mean, I wonder? Still, like the next person, I appreciate a holiday and that my kids get to sleep in until noon. But the way I see it, assuming that by 'family' the emphasis is on parent-kid relationships, one day designated for the family, once a year grossly undermines the staggering effort that is raising a child well. Truth is, Family Day is every day. And that's the tough call we all have to deal with.
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Notice how it’s popular to hate on kids these days; to say things like “I hate being a mom,” and “kids suck.” I take this as a positive sign; obviously not because I’m anti-children but because we are finally getting honest in this culture about how tough it is to raise a kid.

Being a parent/adult raising a child is very demanding because to do a really good job it requires your very best. It requires that you give it your all, almost all of the time. Half the time is not good enough. Being on call like this is exhausting. Nobody wants to/can be all that. “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” (Sweet Brown).
Because we shouldn’t be doing it alone. Raising a child takes a whole village so the clichéd (for good reason) African expression goes. What this translates into is that raising a child means you need to have a network of support.

The reality is, kids NEED. More than material things, kid’s emotional needs are ENORMOUS.  And as an adult with the care of children, you have to be putting out constantly for them;  you have to put them first; you need to be present to them. When they are little kids, they need to be with people who love them unconditionally and who are willing to hold them when they want you to- sometimes all day and even all night if that is what it takes. They need you to acknowledge them, not by ‘talking’ to them over your texting, but with eye to eye contact.  Kids learn self -worth by the way they are treated. If you are too busy, better to be honest and say, "I'm busy right now. I will give you my attention in five minutes." That's how we, as adults expect to be treated by other adults. Kids deserve the same respect.

Ask a two year old if he prefers to be at daycare or at home with a loving adult presence and I bet the kids says 'at home.' That home needs an adult who can cook healthy meals, who can read wonderful stories with the kid; who can help with projects and lessons, who is emotionally present to that kid.

I know what I say next will make a lot of people angry and upset. When it comes to the home, caring parents/adults need to spend more time in it.  A home needs the presence of a caring, loving adult within its walls for kids to thrive-even when the kids are teen-aged. As they grow into teens and young adults, they need a caring adult to continue to be available to them. I can not over-emphasis this.
The constant presence of a loving, supportive adult. That’s what it takes to raise children.
The young person needs even just one steadfast adult who is rooting for them; who believes in them unconditionally. That is how you grow a healthy adult. I believe it.

And even when the child has the support and loving attention of an adult, they still might not thrive. However, without emotional support in abundance, it is clear to me that kids will have to overcome struggles that are often at the expense of their mental health and sometimes, even their lives. As a culture, we need to be prepared to invest in the home environment because that is the root of society,where it all begins.

Words of advice for achieving success.

On hearing that my oldest, unschooled up until grade 8, is the recipient of a major scholarship to Queen's University, people have asked me for words of wisdom on how they too can produce similar results in their kids. What inspiration can I offer those who have started on the unschooling path?

First of all, let's broaden the definition of success. 'Success' is going to look different for every person.
It is going to depend on what the young person is aiming for and how close he gets to his goals. We all know that by our culture's standards, 'success' means academic achievement first. My oldest is successful by these standards. It turns out that being offered a major scholarship and avoiding taking out student loans and such, was also her goal- so that she has been successful by her own standards too.

Naturally, she has many other goals-which are not necessarily academic and she is working towards being successful in attaining these goals. She works hard, she is talented and has had some luck, so I can't take too much credit for her success.

Where I can take credit though, is for helping to nurture and support her interests and goals.
I have not directed her; she directs herself. I am there to help her define her goals more clearly and to be behind her decisions. Right from the start, we the parents have nourished the child both physically and mentally. When she was little, we fed her well with love and nature and food and books.

We have enabled great swaths of time for her to do what she wants to do (in her case read like crazy, write, compose music, dream, sleep, hang out on the internet). We have included her in our lives; valued her contributions. We have encouraged her to explore her own mind and invited her to challenge and question everything.
As a result, she knows her mind. Her keen mind is her own. She knows what she wants for herself. That might be the gift of unschooling-at least it is in our case. She knows her mind because she has had very little reason to doubt herself. When you know your mind, half the battle is won.
After that, it is a matter of sticking to what it is you are after, no matter what, because you must.
Attitude is what I am talking about.

As a teen, support translates into a ready ear, an acceptance for the person she is (except maybe the crazy untidy room!! I'll never stop trying!); genuinely enjoying the person she is.


The last thing I will say is that to me,  unschooling never stops. This is because unschooling means always being ready to learn all the time.